On the Couch: Dilani & Shantha Dhanapala

Dilani and Shantha Dhanapala have been happily married for 48 years.

March 27, 1967 may not mean anything to you but to one couple; it was the day they agreed to spend the rest of their lives together until death tears them apart.

Shantha and Dilani Dhanapala from Kitchener, Ont. have been happily married for 48 years. It all started in their homeland of Sri Lanka when they met in a movie theatre and soon after they were married and had children. Like all marriages, they have had their ups and downs over the years, most notably, adjusting to a new life when they immigrated to England then back to Sri Lanka and eventually settling in Canada. Despite the hardships they have endured when immigrating and adjusting to a new lifestyle, they have always remained faithful to each other.

But how do they do it?

Before even getting married, Dilani and Shantha Dhanapala never lived together and they encourage couples not to take part in this now common lifestyle trend among millennials.

“No matter how long you live together, your marriage can break down in one year or two years down the road,” Dilani said. “It doesn’t make any sense. It is making you do everything before you get married.”

Dilani and Shantha say it was a healthy for their marriage because they didn’t do everything as a couple before tying the knot.

“What we have found is that we have lots of things to explore because we take it as a new life,” Dilani said.

Dilani also advises not to be engaged for a long period of time because then you will start having doubts about whether or not you two are perfect for each other. She and Shantha got married after being engaged for less than six months and thinks that is a good timeframe.

Tammy Laber, a marriage counsellor and registered psychotherapist in Toronto recognizes that cultural and religious reasons don’t permit couples to live together prior to tying the knot. However, if possible, Laber recommends couples that are engaged with a “clear goal of marriage” live together for a trial period. It would help work things out that happen when living with your partner.

“It’s just being able to understand that the processes of learning how are you going to do the housework together, how you are going to do the finances together. It sounds small but it’s not small,” Laber said. “People don’t give it enough seriousness and then when it happens after the honeymoon they think these [issues] are for people who have never lived together.”

Laber also suggests that couples go for ten pre-marriage counselling sessions to plan out who’s going to do the household chores and maintenance, and finances. She says it’s worth the expense so you get off to right start.

“Let’s work this stuff out before the big huge wedding,” Laber said. “You’re going to spend $20,000 on a wedding and you won’t spend $1,000 on counselling? Really? Because I’ll tell you, divorce is going to cost you a lot.”

Once married, Shantha and Dilani have managed to stay strong over the years by confronting each other right away when there is a problem instead of keeping their feelings inside.

“He has done mistakes; I have done mistakes so we all do mistakes [and] so we had to point it out,” Dilani said. “When I come home and if I see something he didn’t do, I say ‘no, you didn’t do this and this is not right’ He should be [able to] understand [my concerns].”

Along with pointing out their mistakes, Shantha and Dilani always have had very open communication and dedicate time to spend with each other which they don’t often see with newly married couples today.

“The wife doesn’t talk; the husband doesn’t talk- they look two different ways. So I can manage myself and you can manage yourself,” Shantha said. “They should be united.”

Now what’s to blame for the lack of communication?

Dilani and Shantha believe it’s the constant use of technology and social media which they limit in their lives to make more time with each other.

Couples need to set a time aside and put their phones away, Laber says, so they can make their spouse feel like “they’re the most important person in the world to you.”

“People don’t realize to put the phone down and spend a half hour to an hour looking at your partner in the face and eyes and talking to them, giving them your full attention,” Laber says. “That builds the kind of intimacy that makes everything else possible.”

If you don’t make that one-on-one quality time with your spouse without the phone, then your spouse won’t share their feelings with you, Laber says.

“You think someone will open up to you and tell you things they are feeling sad about or vulnerable about if you’re on the phone taking a text?” Laber says. “It means the communication you have; even if you’re spending the time together is shallow.”

Another aspect that has kept Shantha and Dilani’s marriage strong over the year is religion. Shantha’s sister Jacintha Jayasundera admires how her brother and his wife put God first.

“They stick together with God’s help,” Jayasundera said. “That is something I have learned [from them] and will teach my children.”

Before you even speak to your spouse, your thoughts need to be in the right place. Laber says to think “we” instead of “me” for there to be compassionate communication of their feelings, needs, and point of view. Something Shantha and Dilani have done and have carried out in their day-to-day lives for 48 wonderful years.

“I never say to him ‘this is my part, this is your part’ There is no part,” Dilani said. “You combine and you work and you understand each other.”

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