A Letter to my Future Wife

To my dear future wife,

There are millions of people in this world and we have been lucky enough to each find a person that can fully put up with another. You should be honoured that you’re the one I chose to spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure by now you have realized that this is no walk in the park, but with the proper tools I’m sure that we will be able to make this work.

Although I do think that you are perfect, there are some rules and expectations that must be set out. So before the day that my manhood gets fully taken away, please read, understand and memorize what I’m about to say.

Now everyone knows that communication is the secret to a perfect relationship. However we have not fully acquired this skill as a couple. If I have done something wrong or forgot to do something at a specific time, please come talk to me about it or realize that I am always right and drop it. In all honestly, no matter the issue, whether it be that you can’t sleep, you’re having familial issues or you just want someone to talk to I want to be the first person you turn to. I will always pick you up when you’re down and the rock you need to lean on. My ears are quite large so take advantage and don’t keep anything bottled up.

As you know I love to watch sports, especially when it’s the Leafs playing. I will always invite you to come watch the game but if you start talking I will tell you to ‘please leave.’ I’d be glad to talk to you during commercials, breaks or any other pauses during the game. If we win, I expect you to join in on celebrations, but if we lose I expect you to comfort me with a bottomless pit of wings until I feel better.

When you are planning to have your girlfriends over please give me at least an hour warning so I can make a cover story and an escape plan. There is no need for me to be trapped in a room listening to girls discuss manicures, pedicures and every good looking guy they see on a TV show.

When you are irritated or stressed and you need someone to argue with, please either give me a heads up or pick someone else. Although, I love to argue, I don’t need it escalating into a serious argument that could lead into me sleeping on a couch.

Sleeping arrangements are usually the easiest to figure out with me since I fall asleep in less than three seconds. However, me waking up to a fan going at the speed of a windstorm in my face is definitely not okay. I also needto sleep on the side closest to the door so I have the illusion that I will protect both of us incase of a break in.

All things said I look forward to a lifetime of happiness and challenges with you.

Your loving,

Future Husband

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