Five Pitfalls Couples Face

The honeymoon phase is getting shorter and shorter, a marriage can go from intense to indifferent so quickly that couples are left wondering where the magic went.

Clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Saunia Ahmad says that many things can cause marital strife, but some issues occur more often. Ahmad developed South Asian Couple Therapy, where she counsels and studies couples in great depth. She tells Dulha&Dulhan the five most common hurdles faced by South Asian newlyweds.

Jessica Renzella and her husband Adil Kanji have been married for five months. They say that despite being an interracial, interreligious couple, their marriage is strong enough to withstand these pitfalls.

The money fight

Financial stress can be a dangerous obstacle in a marriage, whether it’s feeling like one person is working harder to pay the bills, or like your partner doesn’t value money the same way you do. Disagreements over finances should always be taken seriously.

“As a banker, I would 100 percent agree that this is a huge problem, not just for the South Asian community but for all of humanity,” says Kanji.

Kanji says that both he and Renzella went into their marriage very clear about how they would split their finances.

“We have our own accounts that our money goes into, we do whatever we want with that. However, each month we set aside a certain amount of money that we each put into a joint account, this pays for all of our mutual expenses and it’s split equally,” says Kanji.

Ahmad says that deciding early on how you intend to handle your finances is an easy way to avoid feeling like your partner doesn’t pull their weight in the relationship.

In-Laws angst

Another issue that comes up is in-laws interfering. Family ties are very important in South Asian culture; couples are often expected to include their parents in decision-making and to hold their advice in high regard.

However, this can sometimes leave one partner feeling like their spouse is more loyal to their family than to them.

“It begins to feels like every decision their partner is making is not in their interest, but done to avoid disappointing family members,” says Ahmad.

She explains that most South Asians couples are expected to spend a lot of time with their extended families and that in some cases, couples live with their parents or in-laws. This can create trust issues, especially for new couples who have not yet developed a routine.

“It is really important to establish early on, especially young couples, that your in-laws are welcome to be a part of your decision making, but that the final decision is ultimately yours,” says Renzella

Smoothly merging Renzella’s Italian, Catholic family with Kanji’s Indian, Muslim one was a tough task, but the couple achieved it through open and assertive conversations.

Ahmad says that couples must balance being firm and being respectful when dealing with in-laws, or they risk being overpowered in their relationship.

Communication Breakdown

Poor communication is another reoccurring problem that couples face. Discussing and understanding each other’s expectations is something couples don’t do enough. Ahmad explains that when couples have similar objectives and values, they assume that they’ll want to implement them in similar ways, but this is not always the case.

“When people who don’t really understand each other get married and try to plan a life together, these differences come up and become unavoidable,” says Ahmad.

A lack of proper communication can leave couples feeling at odds with one another.

“We had those conversations prior to our engagement,” says Kanji. “We came up with a list of non-negotiable things that we want to do in our life, we discussed family, career, where we should live. So when we got engaged, we knew what the next steps were.”

Ahmad says that Renzella and Kanji’s method is ideal. Listening to each other both verbally and emotionally, is vital in a marriage especially when couples state their expectations sooner rather than later.

Intimacy

“Setting aside time to nurture a relationship and ensuring that it’s a priority, is something that should be established early in a marriage,” says Ahmad.

Keeping intimacy alive is a pitfall that is often taken for granted, especially when both partners have full-time jobs and obligations outside of their relationship.

“We try to set aside a few days of the week for eachother,” says Renzella.

She and Kanji agree that making time for bonding and intimacy is a necessity.

“We stay at home and we’ll cook or eat together and if we want to just sit beside each other and talk all night or zone out and watch a movie, whatever it is, we make sure that we dedicate set times for us,” says Renzella.

Merging Traditions

Dr. Ahmed explains that a lot of South Asian millennials in Toronto are torn between upholding their cultural traditions and living in the western world. This is added to when people chose a partner from a different background, whether South Asian or otherwise. When couples underestimate the importance of these differences, they often come back when dealing with crucial things such as in-laws or children.

“Both our parents want to make sure that our culture and identity remain intact and that our kids, their grandkids don’t lose sight of where they came from,” says Kanji.

Kanji and Renzella want their children to have roots in both their cultures.

“We have very different cultural celebrations, being Muslim I have festivities like Eid and Ramadan, and Jessica’s side has Easter and the Christmas. It will be our challenge to make sure our kids have both those experience,” says Kanji.

Ahmad says that most of these pitfalls can be avoided if couples have open discussions not just before committing to marriage, but throughout their relationship.

#councelling #couplestherapy #interfaith #interracial