On the Couch: Summer & Arlinda

Summer *Brown and Arlinda Ruco have been in a relationship for four years with plans to get married next year.

Although same-sex marriage in Canada has been legal since 2005, in the South Asian community being attracted to the same gender still remains very taboo.

Summer Brown* is from India and her partner Arlinda Ruco of Albanian background have been in a relationship for four years.

Although Brown has never come out of the closet to her family because she has disconnected from them for reasons not related to her sexual orientation, she recognizes it’s hard being queer, especially as a South Asian.

Brown says it’s easier for South Asian men to come out than women.

“I think it’s because guys have a little more freedom in the Indian culture,” Brown says. “Women not so much, you’re supposed to be home studying, or cooking, or cleaning whereas males are definitely out and about.”

However, Preet Bhogal, men’s outreach coordinator with the Alliance for South Asian AIDS Prevention says gay men do have their challenges telling their family.

“A lot of the times the family is just coming to terms with it, that their son won’t be marrying a woman. South Asian men do have a lot of pressure on them in a lot of way to be the man in the family,” Bhogal said. “It changes the expectations which can affect your relationship with [your] family.”

In South Asian countries, the LGBTQ community faces criminal charges for being themselves. India banned gay sex last year and in Bangladesh, you can be sentenced up to ten years in jail for same-sex sexual activity.

Brown recalls when Canada first legalized same-sex marriage, her parents turned off the radio so Brown and her siblings wouldn’t hear about this “sickness”.

“I don’t have to put up with the burdens of a South Asian family where your aunts, uncle, cousins and your extended family are gossiping and obviously explaining why I’m not getting married or why I haven’t gotten married to a man,” Brown said.

The519, a charity committed to the health, happiness and full participation of the LGBTQ community provides services to help people come out through various programs and counselling. Benjamin Bongolan, coordinator for newcomer family settlement services programs and community services, assists in settling and integrating LGBTQ people who have immigrated or sought refuge into Canadian culture. Bongolan notices that despite the help they provide at The519, South Asians remain closeted or if they are out, it’s only to a selected number of people they trust.

“Once they become familiar with programs and once they go through different processes of programs with us then they begin to step out of the box but they still remain reserved and guarded,” Bongolan said.

Brown says when she is in public with Ruco she says Ruco is her “friend” and won’t hold hands, especially in a crowd with lots of South Asians.

“I think when we are in an area where there is a lot of South Asians, we get looks. I’m not big on public displays of affection because of that reason,” Brown said.

Ruco, although unhappy, understands Brown’s situation.

“It doesn’t feel nice but I completely get it because not everyone is comfortable with PDA or being open and especially coming from cultures like South Asia,” Ruco said. “But at the same time, it would be nice if I didn’t have to do that.”

South Asian LGBTQ people also may be kicked out of the house by their families. The519 helps those in this situation with a Sunday Drop-in program that helps find people a place to live.

The Dosti campaign, which is affiliated with ASAAP helps South Asian gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer men, provides a safe space with monthly socials and helps those with HIV/AIDS.

For those continuing to struggle to come out, Brown says it’s important to be yourself.

“I think it’s more important to live your life being happy than to live your life for what will make your parents or your grandparents happy or your cousins or your relatives because in the end of the day, you have to live with it,” Brown said.

Brown and Ruco plan to get married next year.

*Last name has been changed at the request of the interviewee for privacy.

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